ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
Every time I think about your name
I get these goose bumps and I kinda get sad
I got these tears that just don’t run
And I don’t know why i’m crying
I’m not even sad, maybe I’m over happy
Or maybe too sappy
I’m done being alone
And I want you to understand that
You got the lyrical notes to my chest
Your better than the rest
I know you just wanna take it moment by moment
But what if my moment came and gone
And I’m just waiting on the bus
I’m waiting on the bus to your heart
And I think I missed it
I think I missed it
You say your not ready
Well I’d wait a whole year
And after that year if you said you weren’t ready, I might just die
I might just die
I’ll teach you how to love yourself
I’ll bring you back to my level
I’ll do anything because you are the one
Atleast I think so, so lets just have some fun
Three years and shit has changed so much
You knew me at my high point
And you saw me at my lowest
You’ve seen some shit I ain’t let nobody see
You see that face in the mirror
Imma make that face my wife
Imma make it my life
I’m gonna divide it in half and add it to my half
And you got a little ball of perfect
Straight from heaven
Cut from a silver lined cloud
I’ll show you the family that we could have
It’ll pool from the blood spilled on the floor
It’s like you hit me with a sword
Carved me open and I spilled on the floor
I meant to land on the table
But either way it’s all out there
Like you are the sword being pulled from my sheath
You say your not ready
You say your not ready
Well I’d wait a whole year
And after that year if you said you weren’t ready, I might just die
I might just die
I’ll teach you how to love yourself
I’ll bring you back to my level
I’ll do anything because you are the one
Atleast I think so, so lets just have some fun
Ten years ago I woulda grabbed your hand
And kissed your face so hard
You’d look at me shocked
I’d say I’m from the future
And were meant to be
Were like two peas in a pod
You and me, you see
You might think I’m crazy
Or maybe hella hazey
My mind not thinkin like yours
Like I left behind all these years
To open my ears
And my eyes to see past your disguise
And I know that we belong together
We go together like a thousand piece puzzle
And when we break it only crumbles in two
My world turns to black and white forgetting the hue
But thats never gonna happen, im never gonna make you blue
I’ll bring you all the green
You’ll never see another color until the red hits and our passion explodes
But you say your not ready
You say your not ready
Well I’d wait a whole year
And after that year if you said you weren’t ready, I might just die
I might just die
I might just die
I get these goose bumps and I kinda get sad
I got these tears that just don’t run
And I don’t know why i’m crying
I’m not even sad, maybe I’m over happy
Or maybe too sappy
I’m done being alone
And I want you to understand that
You got the lyrical notes to my chest
Your better than the rest
I know you just wanna take it moment by moment
But what if my moment came and gone
And I’m just waiting on the bus
I’m waiting on the bus to your heart
And I think I missed it
I think I missed it
You say your not ready
Well I’d wait a whole year
And after that year if you said you weren’t ready, I might just die
I might just die
I’ll teach you how to love yourself
I’ll bring you back to my level
I’ll do anything because you are the one
Atleast I think so, so lets just have some fun
Three years and shit has changed so much
You knew me at my high point
And you saw me at my lowest
You’ve seen some shit I ain’t let nobody see
You see that face in the mirror
Imma make that face my wife
Imma make it my life
I’m gonna divide it in half and add it to my half
And you got a little ball of perfect
Straight from heaven
Cut from a silver lined cloud
I’ll show you the family that we could have
It’ll pool from the blood spilled on the floor
It’s like you hit me with a sword
Carved me open and I spilled on the floor
I meant to land on the table
But either way it’s all out there
Like you are the sword being pulled from my sheath
You say your not ready
You say your not ready
Well I’d wait a whole year
And after that year if you said you weren’t ready, I might just die
I might just die
I’ll teach you how to love yourself
I’ll bring you back to my level
I’ll do anything because you are the one
Atleast I think so, so lets just have some fun
Ten years ago I woulda grabbed your hand
And kissed your face so hard
You’d look at me shocked
I’d say I’m from the future
And were meant to be
Were like two peas in a pod
You and me, you see
You might think I’m crazy
Or maybe hella hazey
My mind not thinkin like yours
Like I left behind all these years
To open my ears
And my eyes to see past your disguise
And I know that we belong together
We go together like a thousand piece puzzle
And when we break it only crumbles in two
My world turns to black and white forgetting the hue
But thats never gonna happen, im never gonna make you blue
I’ll bring you all the green
You’ll never see another color until the red hits and our passion explodes
But you say your not ready
You say your not ready
Well I’d wait a whole year
And after that year if you said you weren’t ready, I might just die
I might just die
I might just die
© 2012 - 2024 IceFireX
Comments6
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Hi, I'm critiquing on behalf of 
. 
This is a piece that clearly has a lot of emotion behind it, which is a good start for poetry. That said, there are a lot of things that hold this piece back, that also show up in your more recent piece, which tells me it isn't just emotion that held you back from making this the best it could be. I also want to say that I don't intend this as an attack on you or your poem; I want to help you improve.
The first thing that stood out to me is the lack of punctuation here. Someone below me mentioned it, and you said you'd noted it, but I see that it remains an issue in your poetry. Punctuation is a huge part of any writing and can add a lot to poetry when used, and especially when used well. If you'd like a bit more advice on that, feel free to let me know and I'll do what I can.
Another thing that has more to do with the content is that you use a lot of repetitive phrasing here. Repetition can be powerful in poetry, when done well, but it can also be a problem if overdone, or just not done properly. I can also give you some more specific examples and advice on that if you'd like.
Overall, this just really feels kind of cliché and overdone, I guess. The poem doesn't say anything new thematically, and from a technical standpoint you don't really do much to set it aside from the rest of the poems like this. There are other issues that need work as well, but I don't want to get into them unless you ask, since you seem to have not heeded advice in the past.
. This is a piece that clearly has a lot of emotion behind it, which is a good start for poetry. That said, there are a lot of things that hold this piece back, that also show up in your more recent piece, which tells me it isn't just emotion that held you back from making this the best it could be. I also want to say that I don't intend this as an attack on you or your poem; I want to help you improve.
The first thing that stood out to me is the lack of punctuation here. Someone below me mentioned it, and you said you'd noted it, but I see that it remains an issue in your poetry. Punctuation is a huge part of any writing and can add a lot to poetry when used, and especially when used well. If you'd like a bit more advice on that, feel free to let me know and I'll do what I can.
Another thing that has more to do with the content is that you use a lot of repetitive phrasing here. Repetition can be powerful in poetry, when done well, but it can also be a problem if overdone, or just not done properly. I can also give you some more specific examples and advice on that if you'd like.
Overall, this just really feels kind of cliché and overdone, I guess. The poem doesn't say anything new thematically, and from a technical standpoint you don't really do much to set it aside from the rest of the poems like this. There are other issues that need work as well, but I don't want to get into them unless you ask, since you seem to have not heeded advice in the past.